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Hank Dolben

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2004
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Happy New Year, Goldberg
Here's a good old one that a friend sent to me to kick off the new year with a grin.

Goldberg was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know.  Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Goldberg, how about Tom Cruise?"

"Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."

So Goldberg and his boss flew out to Hollywood and knocked on Tom Cruise's door. When he saw who his visitors were, sure enough, Tom Cruise shouted, "Goldberg!  Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!"

Although impressed, Goldberg's boss was still skeptical. After they had left Cruise's home, he told Goldberg that he thought Goldberg's knowing Cruise was just lucky.

"No, no, just name anyone else," Goldberg said.

"President Bush," his boss quickly retorted.

"Yes," Goldberg replied, "I know him. Let's fly out to Washington."

And off they went.  

At the White House, Bush spotted Goldberg on the tour and motioned him and his boss over, saying, "Goldberg! What a surprise! I’m on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in. Let's have a cup of coffee first, and catch up."

Well, the boss felt somewhat shaken at this point, but he was still not totally convinced. After they’d left the White House grounds, he expressed his doubts to Goldberg, who again implored him to name anyone else, anyone at all.

"The Pope," replied his boss.

"A good man!" said Goldberg. "I've known the Pope a long time."

So off they flew to Rome.

Goldberg and his boss had joined the assembled multitude in Vatican Square when  Goldberg said, "This will never work.  I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people.  Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."

With that, he disappeared into the crowd headed toward the Vatican.  

Sure enough, half an hour later Goldberg emerged with the Pope on the balcony. But by the time Goldberg returned, he found that his boss had had a heart attack and was surrounded by paramedics.  

Working his way to his boss's side, Goldberg asked him, "What happened?"

His boss looked up and said weakly, "I was doing fine when you and the Pope came out on the balcony, till the Japanese tourist next to me asked, “Who's that on the balcony with Goldberg?”"

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